A bit of a different post today, since this isn’t a review but a fun little game to play while watching any of Steven Seagal’s movies. Just a bit of a warning: following this guide to the letter will probably result in alcohol poisoning and death. You can take that to the bank…the blood bank! Your liver will be Under Siege, your hangover will be Hard to Kill, you’ll feel like there’s a Fire Down Below in your stomach and unless you are Above the Law, being in public would put you On Deadly Ground. And any rational thoughts will be Under Siege 2.
That’s enough of that. Sorry for some of them.
With that, here are the rules:
1. People’s Choice: Guess whether Steven will be sporting a pony tail for the upcoming movie. If you are wrong, take a drink.
2. If Seagal is shown wearing a ridiculous hat, take a drink.
3. If Seagal gets stabbed or shot, then shakes it off, take a drink.
4. If someone is thrown through glass, take a drink.
5. If there is a shot below the belt, take a drink.
6.If there is a subplot involving a prostitute, widow, or soon-to-be divorced wife, take a drink.
7. If a bad pun or one-liner is made, take a drink.
8. If the title of the movie is mentioned in passing, take a drink.
9. If music plays that does not fit the scene, take a drink.
10. If Steven overpowers over five men in less than a minute, finish your drink.
11. If there is an illogical wardrobe change, take a drink.
12. If Steven is shown to be wearing traditional Asian garb that he has no reason to be wearing, take a drink.
13. If you hear a bone break during a fight scene, take a drink.
14. If Steven speaks Italian or Japanese/Mandarin/Cantonese/Korean, etc., take a drink.
15. If Steven wields a katana, take a drink. If a katana is on display in the background somewhere, take half a drink.
16. If Steven commits police brutality, take a drink.
17. If Steven is shooting a scene with an exotic animal, take a drink.
18. If Steven sings or plays an instrument, take two drinks.
19. If Steven acts like a misogynist, then immediately becomes protective of the woman in any way, finish your drink.
20. If Steven can truthfully be described as “striking and boyishly handsome”, take two drinks.
Bonus for his Direct-to-DVD films: If Steven is clearly putting in a minimal amount of effort in his movements due to his poor physical condition, take half a drink (you’ll understand why it’s a half)